So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
