I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
