Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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