I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
