I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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