wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
