why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
