i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
