you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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