I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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