this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
