God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
