You smell like a Billy Joel song
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I have fence marks all over my body
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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