I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
