Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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