I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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