haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
