I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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