yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
