I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I am available for nakedness
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
