wanna go halves on a baby?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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