we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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