I love black thongs
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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