i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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