Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
