You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
