Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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