she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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