i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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