those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
