i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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