I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
