I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize