Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize