she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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