I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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