Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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