meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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