If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm like, not good at living.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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