I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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