Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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