based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
