i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
