I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
