I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
