Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
