Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
this just has baby written all over it
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
