end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
