last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize