you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
