She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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