and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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