My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
