Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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