I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
