I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
