Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
