Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
