God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
home. puking in laundry basket.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
