i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
